Sitting here waiting and knowing that it will soon rain again washing away the sunshine. Thunder and lightning following; can the sun shine bright enough to keep the dark clouds from rolling in?
Should I dare to believe that this will be the last time? Naive that the sun would keep me warm and safe, I know in my heart its waiting around a corner to bring me down. I hear myself saying this is it I'm done if it happens again.
My dear child in my mind to wonder if she has already seen the rain; lightening flashes images in my mind keep me from forgetting. Has my dear child seen the pain that I felt that day, her heart beating from fear? Would she forget with the innocence of her mind, or would it always be with her as it is with me?
This is Steph's Story that she shares in hope of helping other women
Warning: this contains descriptions of violence and various forms of assault. Read at your own risk.
He promised me he had changed. He was working for a couple in MS who he was buying his sailboat back from. I had been gone while pregnant with Heather because he had hit me too many times. My father had set me up in an apartment and I was finally getting things back in order. Damien told me he had received counseling and begged to be apart of his newborn’s life, and I wanted my baby to have a father as my first child’s father had abandoned us early.
Damien convinced me to leave in the middle of the night and only to take my TV for the boat. He begged me not to tell my family as they didn’t trust that he had gotten the help he needed. As I loaded my five month old daughter into his truck I could see the confusion in my four year old daughter’s eyes. I was hoping this time would be different and I could provide a father figure for my two daughters.
The first night Damien took me to a park in Gulfport. He asked me a few questions about the eight months I was away. I was sitting in the passenger side of his truck with my daughter in my lap and my four year old was playing in the park. I mentioned talking to his ex-wife about our children and he immediately grabbed my throat and began strangulating me until I loss consciousness. I awoke shaking and was glad to see Heather was still safe in my lap. Like usual he said he was very sorry and that he would never touch me again. He promised he would continue therapy and that he would buy me a bus ticket home before he hurt me again. The next few weeks went great and I really believed Damien was making progress. I found out during this time that I was pregnant and was filled with excitement yet confused with anxiety.
One day we were working on the deck construction job. We had just returned from the store where we purchased ham sandwiches. I wasn’t hungry and decided not to eat. Damien was eating his sandwich on the deck and I was feeding Heather in the front seat of the truck. Something made him snap because he came back to the truck angry that I hadn’t eaten my sandwich. He grabbed me by the throat and began strangulating me and hitting me in my head. My door was open and I almost lost control of Heather. He closed my door and said he was taking me to the bus station to drop me off. As we drove down the road he pulled my head into his lap and was beating the back of my head. He pulled my hair and wouldn’t let me up until we stopped at a local gas station. I jumped out with Heather and sat there contemplating what I could do. A few minutes later Damien pulled in and apologized and begged for my forgiveness. He said “we need to quit this; why are you acting like this”. He blamed me and my hormones for causing these violent storms, and I started to believe it was me. Another couple of weeks went by and things were ok. Damien seemed happy that we were pregnant and spoke of getting an apartment instead of living on his sailboat.
After arriving home from work Damien began drinking immediately. A couple of hours of watching TV and drinking his rum he decided to take a walk (which meant going to get and use marijuana). When he returned he was angry because he couldn’t get money off of my child’s MS debit card given to me by the State for food and clothes for my 4y/o daughter. Last time I asked him not to use that money for those purposes I was punished with strikes to the head so I remained quiet. He sat on the couch and continued drinking and complaining about things on TV. He stood up and walked over to where I was laying on the couch. He grabbed me by the neck and threw me up against the mirror and then back onto the couch. He said I wanted him to rape me. I told him, “please stop, you are drunk and you are going to wake Cindy”. He violently ripped my shorts down and forced himself inside me while he continued to strangulate me and punch me saying, “don’t cry I’m just going to hit you harder”. He then told me to cry louder that it turned him on. I grabbed his arm trying to make him stop hitting me, he said me fighting back only turned him on more. I cried and pleaded for him to stop hurting me. He said he would kill me and throw me in the water when he was done and no one would ever know. He began strangulating me again until I started blacking out. I heard Damien talking to another person. As I came to I looked to see Cindy standing in the doorway watching Damien spitting in my face. He said, “Your mother is busy right now, go back to your room”. He continued spitting and telling me he knows this is what I wanted.
I lay there traumatized and numb. I didn’t want to be touched. I told him I was going to tell the police and he said, “go ahead you’re going to lose your children and never see them again for allowing them to be here”. I feared he was right but knew I had to do something. I started fearing for Cindy’s life and decided to ask my Grandparents for help. My Grandmother agreed to take Cindy and I would return with Damien to try and get him help. I truly believed he would never hurt Heather, she was his own daughter.
Damien had been watching TV and was unable to find marijuana so he started drinking Rum again. He started talking about how everything about the German’s was better than here and that I was a “limey”. I was lying on the bed and Damien was sitting next to me on the seat. He kept pleading with me to drink even though I declined many times. He persisted and asked to drink for the German’s. I took a drink because I could see he was getting mad. He accused me of checking the minutes on his phone and started slapping my leg and then started strangulating me and punching me in the head. While he was punching me he put his knee into my neck and pulled locks of hair from my head. He drug me off the bed and slammed my head into the wall and mirror. He repeatedly slammed my head into the floor. He grabbed me by the throat and lifted me onto the bed. I crawled against the wall and begged him not to hit me. I told him I was bleeding and he said “good, I hope I kill you”. He stopped at one point and told me he would take me to shore. I went above to the cockpit and he began beating me again. I saw an opportunity to dive into the water and escape and I took it. I began swimming as fast as I could. He jumped into the dingy and started chasing me. He said “please Stephanie quit this, I’m sorry, I’ll stop, I won’t hit you anymore”. I continued to push his boat away every time he would come close. He eventually gave up and I swam 300 yards to a restaurant where I saw people still awake at 2:30 in the morning.
I decided that I could hide in the Wal-Mart parking lot until the morning when I would decide how to help myself. In the morning Damien found me and told me he would give me a ride to the bus. We stopped at a convenience store and the police pulled up to ask questions about my injuries. Someone saw my injuries and called the police. It was quite apparent I was beaten. My right eye was swollen shut, my lip was full of blood and swollen, my teeth were broken and I was shattered. The officer begged me to press charges but I felt sorry for Damien, I thought I loved this man, and I declined to comment to the officer. He searched Damien and found marijuana on him. He arrested Damien and told me to take his vehicle to a place I felt safe.
I called the woman who owned the house we were working and they told me where the extra key was and that I could stay there until they returned the next day from vacation. The night they returned they took me to the Emergency Room where I met a very compassionate doctor who helped me understand how important it would be to press charges. That night I discussed this with the husband and wife couple that were keeping me safe. They told me they would take every step with me and they agreed with the doctor. The next day I went down to the police department and pressed charges. This couple, “my new friends”, arranged for me to meet with the women’s shelter to get psychological, legal, and financial support. They found a “safe house” to place me and my daughter Heather temporarily until better arrangements could be made. I decided to trust the “system” and hope I remained safe and could break this “spell” I was feeling.
Damien was immediately rearrested on the charges for simple domestic violence. The charges for rape would take 4 to 5 days before they would interview me and then interview Damien in jail. Damien was arraigned by Judge Smith two days after arrested, he pled guilty and was fined $650 and given a 90 day suspended sentence with 6 months probation. Also he was being held on a $389 bail for the marijuana charge. I believed he would serve more time than this especially because of the numerous other arrests in other states for the same crime. I was wrong. Damien served 5 days in jail and was arraigned by Judge Atchinson for the marijuana charge. This time the marijuana charge was dropped and this judge set him free from jail without having to even pay his fine. He immediately left the state and went to PA. The probation officer said if he doesn’t check in, there is nothing they can do about it because this is a misdemeanor and he won’t be extradited for this crime.
I’ve been waiting two weeks to hear back from the attorney, who I was told would represent me and my child. I was told housing would be available and job assistance, but so far it has been all words and no assistance. Judge Margaret Alphonso was quick to offer her help and granted a protective order for me and the family that is keeping me safe. God bless her! Officer Cuevas of the Gulfport Police Department is also a hero. He was the original officer that arrested Damien and begged me to press charges. It was Officer Cuevas who begged the judge and prosecutor to stay late to be sure the warrant was served before Damien left town as he was trying to do. There have been good people that want to help but can only do so in a limited capacity.
I decided to trust the system and the system failed me. I have been attending group therapy at the Women’s center and I commented that I felt the system failed me miserably. The leader asked who in the room feels like the system failed them. Every woman in our group raised their hand in disappointment. I now understand why it is so difficult to get out of these abusive situations. I’ve learned I’m suffering from PTSD, depression, and codependency. I wake up every morning full of guilt, grief, and anger. I will forever live with the scars and must rely on good friends for my safety. I was told the rape charge was his word against mine and that it was a shot in the dark. The system needs to be changed to protect the innocent and not the guilty. Stiffer penalties need to be in place for someone who strangulates someone to near death. I may be a single voice, but I intend to bring change to a broken system.
* All names have been changed to protect the safety of the victim The following poem was written after I was sexually assaulted and I felt sharing this will not only help me but hopefully help another woman in my situation.
Sitting here waiting and knowing that it will soon rain again washing away the sunshine. Thunder and lightning following; can the sun shine bright enough to keep the dark clouds from rolling in. Should I dare to believe that this will be the last time. Naïve that the sun would keep me warm and safe. I know in my heart its waiting around a corner to bring me down. I hear myself saying this is it I’m done if it happens again. My dear child in my mind to wonder if she has already seen the rain; lightening flashes images in my mind keep me from forgetting. Has my dear child seen the pain that I felt that day, her heart beating from fear? Would she forget with the innocence of her mind, or would it always be with her as it is with me?
