The Reclamation Journal-
Every 24 hours, we are blessed with a fresh canvas to paint onto it what we can. Accidents happen and sometimes the paintings turn out the way we want, but thankfully, we have a fresh canvas arriving again tomorrow morning!
This was an inspired invitation to study what it means to you to be alive, to be aware of what gives you joy and what it is to be whole, feel the wonderfulness of your experiences, no matter what they bring.
Its intent is to enhance your wellbeing and to guide you into what gives you well being. Its the cats meow of mental health :)
Today was the second part of a project: We had a SILLY Party in group therapy in honor of all that is fun and what was missed out on, what can be reclaimed and what can grow and flourish... and it was silly! We had birthday hats, funky glasses, kaliedascopes, ice cream cake (thank you, Tina!!!!) and face painting. Even some fingernail painting. Glow in the dark, of course.
The inspiration came from one encounter with a client.... she so eloquently articulated a question... what is it to be alive? She asked point blank, I've gotten past this, but now what? I really want to live.
The phenomenon that many in a therapeutic environment experience: living through a traumatic relationship (be it childhood, adult abusive relationship) into a feeling that one is merely surviving, not thriving. She expressed what we all want, the desire to be happy, to really live.
This kicked up a lot of my mental dust. How wise is that, and isn't it a fact? For any of us who have survived beyond controlling environments, long past the brainwashing by the abuser and the games we had to play to survive with a person that toxic, we are faced with the reality of 1. reclaiming our thought processes, 2. living in the world on its terms amidst the clinging fears and insecurities the survivor skills gave us and 3. having to teach ourselves how to be alive within our own lives instead of being passive observers.
One begins to understand that being alive isn't only avoiding being hit or cursed. Being alive isn't the time taken up by attempts to avoid fights to make sure the children don't see them. Being alive has much more to it than walking on eggshells to avoid another drunken binge or aggression taken out on your pets and children. Or starting something just to get smacked so it will be over and done with so the tension will ease up, for a little while anyway.
After all this energy is relcaimed for one's self, children and healthy pursuits, the quiet sets in and survivor is placed in a sense of confusion- lack of placement in the world- and a question of what is life now to you?
I just want to be happy. But when most of your time has been taken up avoiding being smacked around, getting high or hiding out from your own anxieties--- its hard to know what that might be.
A. This project, the Reclamation journal, is a journal that has two purposes, on a multi layered approach. First, it is to write down, acknowledge the opportunities that have been missing, messed up or lost through unhealthy relationships-- and to grieve them by writing them down- in the back of the book! Its sad to know your 8th birthday was messed up with family alcoholism. Its not fair. Some days have been shadowed by the bad memories ever after.
Then to reclaim it, literally. Go down your list and do them NOW on your own terms, with the people YOU choose :) We can grab back what birthdays mean to us in the present and turn them into experiences we want to have. At some time in the past, our choices may not have been our own, but with the ability to reclaim our causes for celebration, we affirm our worth.
By consciously taking the time to re-do some of the things messed up by toxic relationships or simply bad luck- ie, learning to swim if someone has scared you out of the water, we can become empowered and steer our own lives. Go bike riding if it was a source of contention long ago. Go and revel in walking the mall by yourself and leave your mind open for what this experience has to offer and relish in the fact that it is yours to enjoy. It can be anything. Celebrate anything. Celebrate your right to say no. Celebrate your right to say yes. Celebrate being able to walk, breathe or cry--- and laugh, too.
B.Now that the past had been acknowledged and you've experienced something else, what was it like? What was freeing about? Surprising about it? Write down what it was that brought you joy, peace and what didn't work. This is your key to what is good for you :)
Pay attention to what makes you feel whole, worthwhile, loved and valued. Those will keep you on a healthy path.
Now how about if we take that pursuit one step further and journal what is it that you'd like to try that is completely new? Needlework? Dancing? Belly dancing? Belly button piercing? Go to Disney? Get a job as a consultant for a marketing firm? Be quiet if you're too stressed? Yoga classes?
This is your opportunity to teach yourself every day what makes you feel whole. Daydream in your reclamation journal and just think about what your world would be like if you decided to take a small step in a new path. Try a new recipe. Drive a different route home. Wear red. Go a slightly different direction. Experience yourself in a new light, under new conditions, stressors and even failures.
They can't steal our happiness unless we allow them to.... and life begins new and fresh every day. Today was a good one.
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