Not feeling good. I found out Tuesday morning my Aunt Betty- my mom's closest living sister- is in the hospital and the prognosis looks bleak. She gets a little better and then bleak again. This is how it looks at the end, much uncertainty, stress, tension, pain and worry.
I'm sad about this for alot of reasons, sad for my Mom and how hard it must be to see all her loved ones travel down this path and then have to do the math from her own age... and the fears that arise from that, not to mention losing someone so close and so much like her. She has one other sister who is older than this one, but it would be hard no matter how many were there.
I'm sad for Kathy, Grace, Denis and Shelly. Kathy is Aunt Betty's daughter and caretaker of most of her life who is having to face a life without her mother in it~ just that thought hits me right in the sternum. She's dealing with the stress of having to pull together people bearing multigenerational dysfunction and then holding it together to say goodbye to her Mom. Some people are made of stronger substance than I, and she's one of them.
In my family, the end of life brings so much misplaced grief (into other emotions) that feuds are fueled for 25 years and more. Something happens in the stresses during the last hours of a loved one that anything negative can be intensified to a pinpoint, like the beam of burning light from a magnifying glass. Its so easy to forget compassion when there is in that much pain.
Some people get burned, some never recover. Others, like me, just stay out of it and shake their heads and wish something could be different. Every now and then, I might throw a major conniption and everyone scatters, but its not often. But this time, I hope a different light hits us and I pray for our wellbeing~ I wish peace on the whole situation.
But how am I? Been feeling the weight. Mom likes to talk about old times, which resembles young Michael Myers childhood in the beginning of Rob Zombie's version of the movie Halloween- And she's wondering whats the matter with people here and there and then in the same breath relate how awful all their husbands (my dad included) were- I'd say I'm all right considering. Acknowledge, let go, move on and be in the present.
I listen to my Mom to support her, but the lid is going to have to go back on that garbage can because it effects my life in negative ways, even though she doesn't mean for it to. I have to take the liberties now as an adult that I didn't have as a child. Gladly.
Although this brings back really bad memories for me, I'm ok. I'm not living in a horror movie anymore. But I am angry about the ignorance that helps parents make their children live in states of unescapable stress, so much so that I am moved to educate those who might not know.
Although brains are pretty plastic and moldable, its true that chronic stress causes brain damage- or at least brain differences. Amygdalas and prefrontal cortexes of stressed children are different than that of well adjusted households- our emotions, memory areas, planning, attention regulators, and executive function skills are effected. Its a fact of life. We tend to be right brained and forgetful... but how about how it compounds being alienated and how that compounds stress? What does that do for one's self esteem? Thats another blog for a later date.
Well adjustment can come in many forms. I'm on medication to compensate for what I wasn't given earlier stages of life. I'll probably stay medicated for the rest of my life- and I'm ok with that, too. Some of us have to, whatever helps you to have a full, productive and healthy life.
So, before we smack our partners, allow ourselves to get smacked or be screamed at in front of the kids, before we ourselves scream at the top of our lungs, threaten physical harm to them or anyone else or tell your children bad things about their other parents, themselves, siblings, bills, accidents, injuries or pets- please consider how little they understand and how the stress effects their developing systems. Wars, hurricanes and 9-11's we can't control, but we can control the tv's. Lets try.
We are telling them how the world is. Either they will have the tools to deal with it- and we tell them they are good enough or they aren't, the choice is ours.
I'm going to do a show and talk on trauma, self esteem and the developing brain someday.
So, in my own family I'm withdrawing for a while. Some in the family and surrounding areas will think this is selfish, but it is sometimes necessary for health. Ya can't please everybody.
This'll be interesting as its deja-vu all over again... Our area is in need of art therapy (and therapy in any sort, really) because this will trigger issues, latent and otherwise.
For those of us in which this is true, simply stated, go towards good and healthy. Activities and people that increase positive feelings of wellbeing and helps one deal with and transform the anger, worry and anxiety is so needed. Mental vacations occasionally is OK. Deal with things a little at a time and then take a breath of fresh air. Repeat as needed.
Some mental vacations are damaging, of course; I'm worried that some will go toward substances, but the negative consequences that addiction brings will tow its own need for interventions.
On a personal level, the halt of the daily grind, the intensity and excitement is one thing- ya'll know I'm an adrenaline junkie, but I'm tired of cleaning up messes... literally and symbolically.
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