Connecting Artists to the Community with Education, Therapy and Fun

Hey there. Lawd, I've been so jonesing for some written words. Journaling has been one of those things that have gone by the wayside recently- I am human and this will be a very selfishly truthful and human post. I value the power of honesty and although those of ignorance will call it whining, allowing one's self the value of honesty of emotions without the censor of shoulds is sometimes the healthiest gift you can give.

Its intimacy and it’s scary. In your heart of hearts, who are you? What strength do you have? What makes you laugh till you hurt or cry at night? Why are we so afraid? The fear is what it is to be human, to bleed and to be real. Velveteen Scream, indeed.

 With all of this work, there ARE things that just fall by the wayside~ sometimes its personal relationships (Gawd knows that some have been neglected) and sadly, the most neglected personal relationship is me. I really miss blogging, journaling, and painting. I haven't had any personal time to take care of me or the things that make me tick and I feel with a passion that something is going to have to give. It won't be the work that I love and allows me to breathe and feel at home in the skin I habitate.

I love my work and my problem forever is that I can't do it all and so desperately want to. Isn't this the truth? For so long, anxiety had taken away my ability to be in the world, while ad/hd had taken away my ability to grasp and connect outside myself that- since being medicated and having a new life thereof- I've been like a racehorse let out of the gate (after having been too long pent up and too long trained for this moment). I just bolted and haven't stopped to breathe. I want it all and now, dammit :) Ever feel starved for both sunshine and water that you burn or drown yourself? 

So many conflicts and so little time. There is so much that I want to do before I go or before the clock strikes midnight. (Cinderella effect?) I think that there is this part of our minds that think death is a cleaning up of sorts that offers us a solution to our problems and we feel that when we pass on, that somehow loose ends are tied up into little bows and there are no longer questions, messy ambiguities or inconsistent representations. There is no such thing. Everything remains as messy as it ever was. The true gift of life is to love the mess, the inconsistencies and enjoy whatever chaos comes our way. And the joy is somehow much sweeter with a mixed delicacy. But I've been gobbling.

One of these conflicts is with my mother. She has no knowledge of it that I'm aware of, or ever will if I have anything to do with it... Her whole life revolves around me. This is incredibly unfair and unhealthy. What is equally unfair is that she is 69 years old and changing her at this stage in the game is cruel and futile. I am an only and this gives so much value to one's life--- but the constant magnifying glass tends to burn like it would a malicious child to an ant. I want her to have her own life that I feel much less responsibility for. Often I feel smothered and hyper responsible. I want freedom.

What am I willing to do to get it? Stand my ground when I need to. I've a big issue about spoiling everyone I meet... she's no different. I love to love. As tough as I'd like to bullshit myself that I am, this is really--- bullshit. I am tired. This is a reason I'm childless... I don’t' have the resources left (after giving to those that need to let go) to care for a child, although I'd love to have one. What would happen if I did? I'd start to be mean, pull back and hiss, bite and lunge like Padme the mother duck does with her eggs. Maybe this is what I need- to show my fangs and stand my ground in the face of even well intentioned intrusions. I just don’t' have it in me, maybe. Soft touch, indeed.

Guilt has been a great companion to me, great in that it never really leaves. What would life be line without it? All would be really easy if I could not care, but that just it--- dispassion isn't my baggage. I care too much. Who else creates non-profits?

Today is my dad's birthday. July 3- although this post will reveal it will be published on the 4th sometime, Independence Day. Ironic, isn’t' it? I am suffocating for independence and this will be published on Independence Day.

Who my dad was to me could be studied for centuries and never really be understood, even if I could live that long. It’s not all that complicated, really, he was a controlling, selfish, abusive alcoholic who had good points that I and everyone else loved. He hurt me tremendously and yet I wonder if there was anything else I could have done differently towards the end to make the rest of his life better. I couldn’t be there for him. The flashbacks were too severe and the memories threatened to eat me whole. They won’t of course and Hate is just an emotion, but if you succumb to it, it becomes who you are. Who wants to be that? Who wants to walk around life with no skin- all nerves exposed and infections raging?

People judge the symptoms, they never see the cause. I just wanted out. To not be important. I just wanted to get away and have some happiness and peace, but the cruel irony is that when getaway happens, something has already happened to elevate neurochemistry to be comfortable with chaos and unpredictability that normal peace and happiness is never enough. ADHD or PTSD? If the shoes fit, kick ass with them.

Those of us with those issues customize our lives and start our own businesses- because we feel so inadequate and inferior from the life experiences (that no one else had) - to be able to work for another person. How can we ever live up to anyone else’s expectations? Who would want us? After what we’ve seen and been forced to do? The feeling of inadequacy makes super achievers for peanuts when otherwise the pressure to fit with “other” people who wouldn’t understand proves to be unbearable. Yes, you can be an underachieving overachiever. The Alpha and the Omega do coexist…  

The Lord chisels us, molds us and hardens us in the hottest fires, shapes us with the heaviest sledgehammers- burning away impurities and shaping us into what He would have us be. I’m not the first to notice this… I have to hold onto that, for without it, there is no meaning to pain. If there is no meaning, it was frivolous and malicious. Who can abide a God like that?   

Those of ignorance would say that I was ungrateful for my second chance and that I waste my time choosing to think on things like these--- but they don’t know because they’ve never lived in the daily sweltering hate that I come from. What I have to tell you and what I have to tell my clients is the same: your pain is your pain and it never goes away, just lives with you. It is up to you to find the meaning and the ways to live with it that is the meat of health- me? I would not be who I am without it. I identify with it so much that it has become a great part of who I am. The strength, the struggles to keep my mom alive and keep the gun away from her head, the OCD that kept my mind obsessing over and over and over and over to keep those that I love safe was the much necessary diversion from the reality that I could not control what was happening around me—the helplessness repeating that my survival depended on how much I could counsel a sick, homicidal/suicidal father into living and allowing us the pleasure of breathing one more day. All of this I carry around in one slowly aging body and an overactive mind. But it’s ok.

The rest of the story?  The rest of the story is filled with loving, laughing and trying to be ok when the programming breaks through even the best of fairy tale endings. She is living happily ever after… just with some painful memories, that’s all.

Everyday I wonder what I did to deserve such joy. I do love my life. Still.

Not so much time to blog, I hate to say. I had this dream that I could let everyone in on what was going on behind the scenes of Art with Heart and that hasn't gone as planned at all :)

Life is one big beautiful ball of change. We have Art season that starts in late February and March and runs til May/June-ish, then the summer wear and tear happens. We had this year's Art Summer Camp today and yesterday and Tina headed up that project. I plan on matting many of the images and putting them on the site as well as a nice open house art show! How exciting.

Stephen and I have an art show coming up at the Train Depot in Pascagoula... its at a bad time in our calendar, but hey--- since when have we balked at a challenge? EXTREME ART SHOWS! WAHOO!

Not only that, but we have two new Therapeutic Art groups at the Steven's Center! Both women and men's groups, this otta be interesting. I'm hoping that we can start a meditation garden with some of our proceeds. The first real project was hands, of course, and then for the men? Chipping away at denial with a chisel... for linoleum cut prints. Well, ok, how about ceiling tile prints? Either way, we're making prints out of them. Its going to be fun, I think.

I'll be back to blog about the 13th and 14th

Original post was in March: Wow, such a while since posting last. Life is a whirlwind sometimes- for me, most of the time. Stephen had been sick for almost a month with some bug that has required two heavy duty rounds of antibiotics. He's on the mend now, tho, so life is getting back to normal.

Tina and I went to Teen Challenge this evening for the first art lesson of, hopefully, many. Days like this is why I do what I do, I am truly blessed! If I could forge a life out of the most beautiful elements, this would be how it would look and feel.

It was an amazing success~ the true measure of how successful an art class is guaged by their reactions when it comes to an end: not wanting to clean up is a GOOOOD thing! To see our clients keep going and and have fun, to see themselves blossom and feel the joy, strength and divinity that creation brings, makes every issue becoming 501c3 worth it ten times over.

We had our SRAA meeting last night and my student and Caroline Strayham's youngest daughter Victoria Strayham did an EXCELLENT demonstration of computer art. (I just had to brag for us both, forgive me, Victoria :)

She highlighted exactly what we computer artists have wanted the traditional artists to know~ that art generated on a computer is as respectable as any other. Many people thought, as I did a long time ago, that computer art didn't have much to do with artistic abilities as it did with techno wizardry. NOT SO. If you can't draw, your computer art will be stiff and unliving~ and Patt Odom's students (like me) know what that means.

A little bit into the demo, I started to video her with my camera (Stephen is a Godsend, he makes sure we have what will work!) Please forgive the unusual timing because if I'd started too early, she'd have gotten more nervous-- and I'd run out of batteries--- but as we were, the batteries and the demonstrator did FABULOUS. Way to go.

Video is on its way!

Wow, what a feeling. I got to paint!!! The piece is almost finished, just needing a few things to tie all the elements together... you might know what I'm talking about, when some things stick out and look like they don't belong. India ink and some well swiped wiping will do the trick, just waiting for paint to dry. I took this week off because the past month or so has been nothing but a rush, but highly productive. So, this pause and rest that I've taken is just what the doctor ordered. It feels good to be alive.

There had been no blogging because:
1. The computer died and it took about 2-3 weeks to get what was needed onto this one to get into working order. New computer is wonderful!
2. By the time that happened, there was so much computer work stored up that it took even longer to get here...
3. Art with Heart's 501c3 paperwork had been finished in the meantime, which meant time away from other work, but they've just assigned someone to our case... YAAAY! Cause to celebrate!
4. We had an art show and a stage set to design! Whoo hoo, it feels good to be a working artist.  The January Art show at the Depot
and 2009 Sweetheart Ball

The January Art show at the depot was fantastic. We ran with little time to put it together, but the outcome was great- you'd never know it. How that happened is the spam filters got my emails to the teachers, the hand delivered invitations were the only things to make it to the teachers. Too funny! Now we know ;)

We had a great turn out and everyone had a good time. Another great part was to be able to get to know the Singing River Art Association members better and the chance to be my normal harried and goofy self running around here and there getting it done. Tina and I had the best time running around. Stephen did the reception's food, he went all out and we all had leftovers. Lord knows how I love to not cook.

Tina got to see the behind the scenes of an art show...
Conception, date setting, invitations, communication, publicity, hanging, reception work.

The art that came in was wonderful. All entries were well thought out (and if they weren't don't let anyone know, you fooled me.) The teachers were proud and really surprised me at how well they knew their students and how they intimately they cared for each. 

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The Sweetheart Ball was so much fun to do. We got to come in and paint the paintings for the walls, the theme was Starlight in Paris~ it pushed Tina and me into art mode where you don't think, you do and it puts your critic way back into your mind and the real artist emerges. The idea sounds good... GO! I love it. Its like extreme art :)

Tina's pictures were something else, she just whipped these things out at the drop of a hat! The first and the second group of pictures are hers- she just went with it.

The Eiffel tower was fun to do and the bizarre thing is that the lights fit exactly  (nothing left over) into the holes punched into the cardboard. I love it when God does things like that :)

We had other help, too, those fellows who worked with us that you see there were on work release and volunteered for Art with Heart. They were really creative, helpful and total gentlemen. Without them, it wouldn't have come together. Their senses of humor kept us laughing the whole time!

To all who volunteered and/or gave us something to laugh about,

Blessings and hugs to you!

A couple things went wrong: the postcards didn't get to their destinations and my camera was broken, so we couldn't get pictures.

But... it went pretty good. The food was fantastic, the crowd was quaint- yet warm- and the camaraderie was great.

The art itself was a reflection of how much Carol (Mom) had grown as an artist. So much is uncovered by having to push and strive towards something different~ especially in a time-frame! (Given that the push has to come from within).

She's proof positive that it doesn't matter if you're 16 or 60. The experience of having to put on an art show- having to create art and trying new things to fill the voids both on the wall and in the artist's "boredom gap"-- is what pushes the artist into growth. The growth is obvious in her work because its taken on so much more of a sophisticated tone where the elements of design turned into the main object of her pieces! Way to go!

The boredom gap--- that space that many artists have when they are tired of looking at their own work. They'd like to do something, but are either afraid of the risk or don't know what it is and what direction to go into. Something about the stress of putting on a show and having to "produce" filters out the 1. time wasters 2. overthinking tendencies and 3. negative thoughts (basically because you don't have the time to waste berating yourself). It puts in its place: 1. boldness, 2. ingenuity 3. the stubbornness to make things work that wasn't working--- ie, the ability to see an old thing in a new light.

I believe any stressful issue or situation in our lives has the ability to  expand us outside our comfort zones to an elevated sense of both consciousness and presence. If we choose to view it as a challenge :)

What happens outside happens inside, too. Inner growth! She talked about having a sense of serenity after the show.... joy at the show because she had so much fun-- and then serenity afterwards. Funny how having those contrasts somehow heighten our experiences :) .

(Rock on, Mom, I'm on the lookout to find another gallery for you to conquer- ha ha)

Just heard the most wonderful thing. I'll attribute the quote later, its late... but this wise, old artist said: "Any good artist goes downhill." Basically, thats inevitable :) How wise is that? When you expect those downturns, give yourself permission to go there because those downhill spurts and inbetween foibles of unformity will be what keeps you fresh and new, giving rise to begin again. Spring after a winter.

He went on to say, "but its after they go down, they pull themselves back up. When they start to go down again, they panic." Its that fear of going down again that keeps you locked into a regimented, stifled way.

Be free, break out of what you're doing and try something new. Go stark opposite of what you're doing for one week... if you paint inside, go outside to a market. If you use beige exclusively, go bright. Go dark, go light, go sad, go wild.

We got a new student today, named Mikey. He's an energetic and intelligent 9 yr old~ and to mention TALENTED! I loved talking to him and we each drew a cougar, commenting on the shapes and their placement in relationship to the creature's face. We talked about siblings, school, church and parents. Whats so wonderful is the company of young artists and their imaginations! Active imaginations often leads to active bodies, however and patience wears thin with the slowness of art sometimes.

Watching him be hard on himself reminded me of whats so common to us all... we wonderful human beings have no patience for our learning process. We want to be able to mimic what an older, more experienced person does right now. (Oh, and was I ever just like that times 100.) But you know what? The learning part of art IS art, too. You're creating a creative person, a knowledgeable person. You learn what the teacher knows, add what other teachers know and then create new ideas from them... the mixture is something no one else could be.

So much of the art process has more to do with patience with yourself than anything else... but how to teach that to a child? OK, how to teach it to an adult, even? So much of the open-ness of learning is the ability to admit that its ok to not know something (and sometimes not know something for a long time, haha). Me? I spent 8 years in school doing art because I wanted to REALLY know my stuff when I got out. (But in all fairness, staying in college art for a long time is easy: the class length is much longer than regular classes and hard to go full time studio courses... especially if you're married or are a parent.)

My advice? Learn EVERYTHING you can as it can only help. Knowledge is power applies to artists, too :)